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Nickapos;s comment in my last post was right... I donapos;t want everyone to think I live in some house full of cavemen. We have plenty of cooking supplies, just none for baking. Nick lives on a diet of mostly meat (and liquor), and he has quite the collection of pots, pans and spices (Quotes he: "Every meal should be built around bacon bits"). At least twice a week I will be so enticed by smells of meaty goodness radiating from the kitchen that I will haul my lazy ass up off the couch, hover around the stove and beg him for a bite with my big, baby blue eyes. He cannot resist the eyes.

Nick just doesnapos;t do much baking. He was an amazing helper for the carrot cake, though. He did all the labor-intensive stuff (grating carrots, whisking the batter because we have no electric mixer) - I love living with a man. And now we have this fantastic cake to show for it. Itapos;s delicious, btw, and I brought some of it with me to work so that I donapos;t have to eat it all myself.

We asked Sara yesterday morning when she was moving out - she had been making noises about moving later, past when New Guy said heapos;d move in - and she informed us that she was leaving that very day. As she and her father packed all of her things in a U-Haul, Nick and I cleaned secretly behind her. I love her to death, but this is the girl that leaves half-eaten THINGS in the fridge for weeks until Nick or I throw it out. Iapos;m also looking forward to having more space to put my stuff under the bathroom sink.

New Guy Jonathan was supposed to move in last night, but my cold was taking a turn for the worse, so I drugged myself heavily and went to bed before he got here. This morning I got to say hi during our morning routines, but it still wasnapos;t enough time to properly chat. Iapos;m hoping we can have some roommate bonding time this evening when everyone is home... Well, everyone except Jeremy, who we havenapos;t seen in four days. I hope New Guy likes carrot cake

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...I promise to write humankind and their and etc in the essay. If I ever get it done, because:

Iapos;m really struggling with this essay.

Iapos;m basicly at:

Because existence preceeds essence the existentialist position dictates that ontology cannot formulate ethical precepts.

If it could then we would be able to say that ethics was disinterested, ie, that it has no relationship with the lived or situated condition. However existentalist ontology asserts that this is not the case, instead man defines himself. There is no "common measure" between human reality and the self-cause; all human existence is a passion.

By all human existence is a passion we mean that man is lost, having no objective relationship with reality but only an interested one. There is no guide out of the dark, and no correct way out of the dark. Man can and must find his own way out, being free to attempt to do so in any direction.

Recognising this we must then repudiate what Sartre calls the apos;spirit of seriousnessapos;.

The spirit of seriousness:

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For Tessa (Passage about Love in the Bible):

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

�And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

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Today was So.� Boring.� Four ICU patients, 2 from Orthopedics that went home before 10am, one soft tissue surgery that had itapos;s entire chest debrided (no skin, just fascia and muscle) due to a nasty skin necrosis, probably spider bite.� He had to have daily anesthesia to clean and rebandage his chest and he was so bad under anesthesia our specialist had to come in for it.� And the last one was a Doxie train wreck that itapos;s owner SWEARS that the only history is that Thursday night she climbed onto the counter (va couch) and drank some oil that was cooling after frying tomatoes.� wtf??� This dog is losing protien like her veins are a sieve and her blood sugar is tanking...she is obviously septic� Her protien went from almost normal to barely existant despite Hetastarch...and her sugars were between 30-50 mg/dL (normal 90-130) even with a 7.5 dextrose solution.� Abdominal tap negative.

And Dr Gaynor was at the clinic so we had to find things to do to busy ourselves.� I organized cabinets and cleaned things that were already clean.� But he was going to throw away this awesome printer cart that matches the particle-board furniture in my house so I brought it home and my desk feels so...so FREE.� The cart is in very good shape, too.

At minutes to noon, the Doxie arrests and CPR is unsuccessful.� Owner was guilt-ridden and inconsolable.� Even though she was having serious congestive issues we could not tie to the eating of vegetable oil.� So our one patient is dead (the surgery dog was a Dr Morgan patient and was fine except for the whole not-having-a-chest thing).

We spend the next 3 hour busying ourselves like we did before the exciting CPR and we start cleaning up and getting the clinic done for the next shift.� An african grey comes in with the owners saying they fed her in the afternoon instead of morning and she flipped out, fell to the ground and started flapping and biting.� They say she is having trouble breathing.� We examine her and she looks fine but we put her in oxygen and get ready to call Dr Roeder when...CPR #2 comes in� YAY

This 9 year old Schnauzer JUST started breathing hard.� The dogapos;s tongue was grey.� NOT blue.� Grey.� The person who brought her in is not the owner - the owners are taking a weekend vacation.� Of course.� Upon further history while trying to obtain an Emergency Alert (tells the owners stabilization will be costly - at least $500 - and do they want to try to stabilize or talk about other options?) we find out the dog has been having dyspnea for 10 DAYS and the owners kept putting off going to the vet because they wanted to have the vacation first.� *GGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRR*

The schnauzer arrests before they agree to the ER alert so we do CPR.� The dog comes back.� As we are calling the owners again to let them know they HAVE�to decide because we just brought their dog back to life and that KINDA means that she needs serious treatment...she arrests again and the owners agree to the ER alert and CPR.� Ok we get her back AGAIN.� She is trying to chew out the ET tube.� We hold her mouth shut and she calms down...uh, oh� No corneal response and she is in respiratory arrest again� She arrests fully again and we revive her ONE�MORE�TIME� For the....WOW her body does NOT want to live �She dies again and even with serious drugs and 6 defibrillations later (SIX....read like Joker to the cop in Dark Knight) the only thing left is a lifeless hulk of schnauzer that smells like defibrillated flesh.� Just then the next shift comes in and even though I had scrubbed the clinic before...Super-CPCR caused a big ass mess I had to clean up.� So instead of leaving by 4:30 like I had planned...I left at 5:40pm.� *sigh*

Then we call Dr Roeder and she says the bird is likely suffering from anxiety and acting out.� So she goes home.� After the doc asked us to draw bloods and jug sticks were unsuccessful even with 3 people (wiley little African Grey...).

Oh and when i got home, Scott had done nothing and the house was trashed.� Yesterday we agreed that if it was warm he would go outside and stain more bunkbed wood because warm days are at a premium this time of year.� I screamed.� I threw a fit.� I did the dishes.� I have done 16 pieces of wood in 2 days, 1 hour a day.� With todayapos;s warmth and lack of schedule he could have at LEAST contributed an hour.� And tomorrow is shot since he takes the kids to church with grandma and then hangs at g-maapos;s house all day.� FUCK.� Do i have to do EVERYTHING??

why do I ask?� apparently.� he owes me.

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Iapos;m not sure where this entry is headed, Iapos;m not�even sure i have anything to�say,�but ihavenapos;t written for way to long.

So, Iapos;ve been in Leeds a month day.
Looking back my life has pretty much done a complete flip.
Looking back this isnt at all what i expected.

In all of the time ive been here, this is my first full weekend alone here.
And the first Thursday night Iapos;ve been here.
I guess this is where it really starts.

I woke up this morning in a bit of a head mess.
Where is this going?
Why am i in uni? I clearly dont care too much about it.
Where do i want to be?

I feel like im just biding my time here until... Well i dont know what until, but i dont want to just go through uni, and end up in soem 9 to 5 job for the rest of my life. I want to do something. I want to travel. I want to be happy.



Iapos;m also scared that im not going to live up to your exectations.
iapos;ll go into that some other time cause ive not written anything for about an hour.

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Yeahhh... So iapos;m kinda in a relationship now.
bdsm style relationship. I mean we have normal time too where we act like normal people, but he wants to get me a collar and a water dish and Iapos;m to be his pet. He said pet, but I specifically chose to be a kitty. I like their autonomy while if raised right they are still as loving as dogs, without the stupid. They can also be devils and assholes. So yeahhh, kinda totally think Iapos;m seeing someone.
after 4 years of singledom, thatapos;s a fucking strange thought.

In other news... Did you know that that fits in there? Yeahh, iapos;m kinda sore now but boy howdie, was that intense.

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Obviously, done with my Japanese midterm and a week of studying Not only do I feel like I did ok (B to maybe A), I actually think I learned a lot in this last week, like enough to start really using these grammar notes. So I have to say it was worth it (including teaching 2 of my classmates on the side), only bad part is I realized my Japanese movie class progress paper is due next friday, which shouldnapos;t be bad but I had hoped to have the whole thing written before November oh well as long as its before the 1st draft check which is in EXACTLY 1 month.

Now to try to actually get some sleep (already been told I look like Iapos;m beat and half dead)and make it tomorrow in which Iapos;m off to the movie theater to see a film and write my 1page review on it and also go to an ALL asian club. Which really doesnapos;t make sense as Iapos;m not asian but oh well, only tomorrow will tell.

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Tomorrow:�Chem midterm
Me:�Not studying. Too tired. Too ready?�Not ready?�EFF.
I hate school. No I�donapos;t, I fucking love it. Iapos;m sorry for lying.
Becky told me with a cell biology degree,�I will be poor. Melissaapos;s brother isnapos;t poor.�Iapos;M�SO�CONFUSED.
Cell Biology is a good degree to get into Vet Med with.
...�Too bad�I donapos;t want to be a freaking vet, I�want to be a goddamn doctor with no life and greasy hair and emotionally unstable. More-so. Son of a bitch why didnapos;t NDP�get in and redo the medical system so I�wonapos;t die doing what I want to do but deny myself of wanting to do.
(What?)
Iapos;m tired.
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... If it wasnapos;t for the unique Coder 23 Edition of Bunkerleute. You know you wanna come
But then, most of you are. See you later my sweeties.

Work, the last straw was violently ripped out of my hands today. The manager apparently had some issues with me not being the following type. But the man who did the first interview with me and sat in on the second one was of a completely different opinion and is going to spend the next two weeks looking for another function for me. Where have I heard that before?

I should have just started working at IBR and kept my mouth shut. The pay was good, the boss I could live with. Who cares if the job was a freakin bore.

Iapos;m back to square one, but I�wonapos;t bother thinking about it until Monday. First I go home for a bit, let mum torture me about how I should have taken the job and then come back a different girl. Or some such nonsense. I need to start sending letters asap. Recruiters or no.

But tonight, I�donapos;t care. I put a dress on with more cleavage than Beyonc� Knowles and I�have the Angry Bitch attitude. Come and get it.
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